Taking flight

I am totally on a roll again now! I have lost almost 8kg in 6 weeks and it feels fantastic. 24 kgs to go - that feels so do-able!!! When it was 36 I was feeling in despair, how could I have regained that much?? I keep having to remind myself about the twins - that it was necessary to nourish them properly. I had to let my body do what it needed to.

But 24 kgs - when I have lost 62kgs in the past, 24 seems so possible!!


Due to the death of a dear friend, I travelled to Salt Spring Island in Canada last week. I even managed to lose weight while I was away.

I realised on the trip that I am grateful to have regained this weight. I thought my life opened up to me because I had reduced my size - the world was at my feet, I felt free and happy and whole. I returned to Canada last week and rubbed shoulders with the same beautiful people I did when I was at my goal weight in March last year (I was in Canada then too). It was so difficult to allow them to see me this way. But it taught me a valuable lesson. The weight I carry is not a barrier to taking my place in life and in the world, unless I allow it to. The beauty of my transformation was the inner strength I gained as I lost those 62kgs. That does not diminish no matter what my size becomes.

Don't get me wrong - I am absolutley going to get back to a place where my outer beauty reflects what's on the inside. But I realise now that it is not imperitive to my journey. A nice bonus, yes. But the miricle is this inner transformation.

It is so important that we make these internal changes for our weight loss journies to be lasting. Perhaps that's why so many people fall back into their old ways - there is so much focus on what goes in our mouth, and not enough on the why's behind it. We need to heal ourselves from the inside out.

I am on my way, so happy to be returning to the body I felt so free in. Each meal, each day brings me closer to that.

No ends, only beginnigs

In October 2006 I began a journey of discovery and unraveling. I weighed 129kg (283.8lbs) and felt so far removed from my former self, I didn't know the girl who looked back at me in the mirror. After 14 months of wanting 'thin' more than food every single day, I managed to lose 62kg (136.4lbs). I was my own dream come true - I finally found freedom from the weight I had been buried under for so long. I'm not sure anyone can truly understand the feeling unless they've been there. I felt new, fragile, beautiful, alive. I had become the miracle I wished to see. I vowed never to return to the land of 'fat.'

Six months later, another miracle happened. Intending to conceive baby number four - my husband and I managed to conceive baby 4 AND 5! Identical twin boys were on their way and my body began to take over again. It was a difficult pregnancy. Sickness and tiredness like I had never known in previous pregnancies. Aversions to vegetables and chicken - very limited food choices lead to me letting go of my very strict food plan.

Long story short, I gave birth two healthy little boys by c-section on March 26th 2009. They weighed 6lb2oz and 5lb 8oz. They were perfect in every way and I continue to marvel at how amazing my body was to carry two babies at once.

The pregnancy left be with 25kg (55lbs) of 'baby weight' - not uncommon in twins pregnancy. But I struggled to get back into my old food plan right away - first breastfeeding made me ravenous, and certain foods irritated the babies. After I weaned them at 6 weeks, I continued to be out of control with food - sleep deprivation is a killer - I was eating to stay awake. I was also out of routine and I have learned that a good routine is very important to me.

My twins are 9 weeks old now and I am finally ready to stand up and walk out of my 'fat suit' once again. I have 36kg (79,2 lbs) to lose and I have decided to blog my way to my goal - for myself, and for anyone out there who's ever known what it's like to be addicted to food, to lose weight and regain it, to lose yourself and find yourself again.


If you're wondering about the title of my blog - it is from a saying that goes:

:	'What the Caterpillar calls the end, we call the BUTTERFLY' The symbol of a butterfly was very strong for me as I lost my weight the first time, and I embrace it now as I work on getting back to the old 'new' me.