In October 2006 I began a journey of discovery and unraveling. I weighed 129kg (283.8lbs) and felt so far removed from my former self, I didn't know the girl who looked back at me in the mirror. After 14 months of wanting 'thin' more than food every single day, I managed to lose 62kg (136.4lbs). I was my own dream come true - I finally found freedom from the weight I had been buried under for so long. I'm not sure anyone can truly understand the feeling unless they've been there. I felt new, fragile, beautiful, alive. I had become the miracle I wished to see. I vowed never to return to the land of 'fat.'
Six months later, another miracle happened. Intending to conceive baby number four - my husband and I managed to conceive baby 4 AND 5! Identical twin boys were on their way and my body began to take over again. It was a difficult pregnancy. Sickness and tiredness like I had never known in previous pregnancies. Aversions to vegetables and chicken - very limited food choices lead to me letting go of my very strict food plan.
Long story short, I gave birth two healthy little boys by c-section on March 26th 2009. They weighed 6lb2oz and 5lb 8oz. They were perfect in every way and I continue to marvel at how amazing my body was to carry two babies at once.
The pregnancy left be with 25kg (55lbs) of 'baby weight' - not uncommon in twins pregnancy. But I struggled to get back into my old food plan right away - first breastfeeding made me ravenous, and certain foods irritated the babies. After I weaned them at 6 weeks, I continued to be out of control with food - sleep deprivation is a killer - I was eating to stay awake. I was also out of routine and I have learned that a good routine is very important to me.
My twins are 9 weeks old now and I am finally ready to stand up and walk out of my 'fat suit' once again. I have 36kg (79,2 lbs) to lose and I have decided to blog my way to my goal - for myself, and for anyone out there who's ever known what it's like to be addicted to food, to lose weight and regain it, to lose yourself and find yourself again.
If you're wondering about the title of my blog - it is from a saying that goes:
| : | 'What the Caterpillar calls the end, we call the BUTTERFLY' The symbol of a butterfly was very strong for me as I lost my weight the first time, and I embrace it now as I work on getting back to the old 'new' me. |
